Thursday, June 11, 2009

Toybox of FAIL: Canadian Batman Paratrooper

First time here? Please take a moment and read the Toybox of FAIL Disclaimer. Thanks!
Until I get my hands on some more recent offerings, it's time to dive deep into the cobweb-filled corners of my basement in search of the bootleg toys that I kept for some stupid reason.

Sure, if you've taken the time to look at the old Island of Bootleg Toy archives you might recognize a returning friend or two. Nearly ten years have passed since I wrote those reviews, though, and it's time we took a fresh look at them. If nothing else, the new pictures won't be limited to early 2000's super-compressed thumbnail JPGs...

After the recent run of fairly high-quality bootlegs from the Little White Dragon company, I thought it was time to remind everyone just what a FAIL is supposed to look like.

Yes, this is the FACE of FAIL.

Say hello (again) to Batman, the Canadian Paratrooper.

In some ways it's good that this is a Reheated Review. The packaging for this toy consisted of nothing more than just a clear plastic bag with the figure stuffed into it. No header card, no hints as to it's origin. If it weren't for my old review to remind me that he came from Canada in the nigh-forgotten year of 2000, I would have had to make up an origin story for him.

A story, no doubt, focused on illegal Canadian Gene-splicing and toxic waste creating a foul beast that roams the night, gliding quietly down from the trees to feast on unsuspecting children.

But, no, we know this bootleg Batman isn't nearly that cool.

There's no question that this figure is meant to be Batman. The logo, although woefully off-center, is identical to the DC comic's version. The mold the figure was cast from appears to be scaled up from a Kenner Batman movie-styled action-figure. Articulated at the shoulders and hips, he's made of waxy plastic. At this point he rattles when you shake him, suggesting some internal plastic has broken loose from the joins.

The rest of the figure also suffers from a poor amount of quality control. Take a look at all the excess plastic around his feet.

From behind, we see Batman comes complete with a cape. Of course, it's not much of a cape.

In fact, it seems to be nothing more than a section of a glad trash bag with a hole cut in it for the figure's head to slip through. Quality workmanship.

Batman's parachute hasn't weathered well over the years - whatever rainbow-hued toxic paint was used has stuck to the plastic (and itself) and smeared into a tie-dyed mess. I was hoping to take some "action shots" of Batman at the park tomorrow, but when I found his 'chute was more of less stuck together I abandoned the idea.

Here's a close-up of the parachute and the disease-riddled paint job. It's almost as bad the paint job on Batman's face.

What? You've forgotten how bad that was already? Here. Let me show you again.

Look closer.



Can you smell the cheap whiskey on his breath? Can you feel his rough plastic stubble rubbing against your skin?

Canadian Batman looks deep into your soul and finds you wanting.

I wouldn't worry about it, though. He's just a scummy bootleg.


Ben said...

How do you know hes canadian?

Christopher Doyle said...

As I recall, he was sent to me by a friend who lives in Canada.

Great escaper said...

Aww but the Canadians are usually sooo sensible! I wonder how this fail escaped the legal net?

Cat said...

Looks like he has some kind of Canadian leprosy too.

Mr.Acme said...

I'm C-A-N-A-D-I-A-N!!!!!

Jeff said...

This made me laugh so hard my abs got a work out. His eyes are haunted. He looks like Nuclear Holocaust Batman.